It’s a long time since I sat looking at a blank page ready to begin writing a new post. I’m thankful to those other bloggers who’s posts I have re-blogged because I found them of interest or they evoked feelings of nostalgia, brought back memories or connected me in some way to my ancestry. I am one of the lucky adoptees who has had access to my Birth Certificate – it might as well be a blank sheet of paper and to my Birth records – destroyed in one of those mysterious fires which adoptees’ papers are prone to! My most useful information came directly from my mother who shared generously and importantly told me the name of my father and a little of his circumstances. Eventually I was able to trace his family too and to meet with ‘real’ biological relatives. Although I no longer have contact with them I have no regrets and believe that for many adoptees there is no place for us within our biological family. It’s as if no space was left for us at the table. Others are luckier. I had the misfortune not to know how to be a sister and was at a loss with my half-sisters who had evolved a way of ‘dealing’ with each other over decades during which I was unknown, unsuspected and unthought of. They did not know what to make of me and I found it hard to know what to be!
While I agree with the first part of what Judith Land has written in her post on search and reunion, I find it very hard to see the relevance for me in developing qualities for the purpose. Perhaps I’m now too long in the tooth, unwilling to change and don’t find the rewards sufficient. At the time I was grateful for the information and particularly for the foundation I had been given which made sense of my life. https://judithland.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/which-personal-attributes-enhance-an-adoption-search
Years ago I first blogged at Blogger, until my account was closed down by the FBI!! Whoddathunk? Such far-reaching tentacles! A supporter of Reece’s Rainbow got the wrong end of the stick, attributed a comment or two to me, the least likely to make adverse remarks about people with DS, and before I knew it, I was besieged with comments from supporters with all sorts of suggestions, threats and ideas. One of those threats was carried out and my blog became inoperable. Fortunately, I had taken precautionary measures some months before, in expectation of such an event. In Blogland, when your topic is adoption, you can never be free of trolls, extremists, zealots, fundamentalists, missionaries, the blinkered and the closed-minded. There are always those non-adoptees more than happy to tell an adoptee how to live, where to live and what to do. Even the well-meaning can act offensively and be unintentionally adoptist, patronising or smothering in their attempts to be supportive, as we saw on Twitter, over a 15 year old adoptee who had written a very clear thinking article about identity. The impressed, and as far as we know unrelated mother ,who described her as ‘only 15’ hopefully has a rethink on this approach to trying to be supportive. The word ‘only’ is always a mistake in this context or any in which it can be construed as demeaning, patronising or unnecessary. There is no excuse for an intelligent, thinking, articulate and prolific writer to make this mistake! We all make mistakes and I hope she thinks this one over!
I have just purchased this book and it is yet unread, so am unable to give an informed opinion, but it looks promising – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201508/7-ways-childhood-adversity-changes-your-brain – a most useful piece on the changes that can occur through adversity.
Have a pleasant weekend and thank you to my readers here and elsewhere for the encouraging remarks and supportive comments. More appreciated than you can never now! ❤
Reading your blog has helped me so much! I also do not have a place in my bio family. It took me a while to realize that, and it still hurts, but not as much as it used to.
I could never change to fit them, and they they do not know me.
Knowing there are others out there, who share my experience helps me.
Thank you so much for your comment. It is a great comfort to know we are not alone and that other adoptees understand and share our experience. One of my half-sisters when asked how she felt about discovering me, told everyone she found it ‘hilarious’. Somehow didn’t feel that way to me! Thanks for your thought-provoking words.