In the world of adoption, there are many phrases and words for describing adoption, the process of adoption or parts of it, adoptees and other characters appearing with regularity. So called experts write books about acceptable adoption language and there are regularly arguments in various venues around social medias sites on correct useage, offensiveness, unacceptability and who is right/wrong/indifferent.
Here are some of them for your ‘enjoyment’ –
touched by adoption – always conjures up visions of a sort of magic wand of adoption with which we are pinged, My Little Ponies spring to mind. Other expressions of the past using the word touched are in other areas very unacceptable, considered racist, disablist etc. You may remember them touched by the tar brush, touched in the head and so on. Perhaps touched by adoption will go the same way as those have done amongst thoughtful people!
The Adoption Triad, The Adoption Mosaic, The Adoption Circle, The Adoption Triangle etc – you’ll note when you look closely none of these expression are actually fully descriptive, since they ignore disempowerement and appear to give all the same value, unless of course adoptees, who are sometimes left out altogether!
The Adoption Plan – like many other expressions, one which tidies things up, makes it look business-like and removes the pain and suffering in order not to upset anyone, particularly AP’s/PAP’s/HAP’s and mothers with the wool pulled over their eyes.
adoption is normal – really, who says so?An expression usually used by adopters, experts and those profitting in some way by adoption, sometimes by adoptees but very rarely and only in the first stages of adoption. The reactions of adoptees to adoption is normal, it is adoption which is pathological.There is a huge investment in making adoption appear normal, acceptable to all and ensuring that adoptees have therapies, treatments and interventions in order to become normal, play along and uphold the status quo.
gestational carrier, birthmother, baby factory, rented womb, crack whore and many other terms – used to describe mothers.
adoption is beautiful, the beauty of adoption – while adoption appears to be a beautifully neat and tidy solution to the surplus kids/orphan problem and solved by the infertile/saintly/good-hearted/needy/principled who adopt, it is often viewed through a single lens and the ugly, painful, difficult, immoral, exploitative side is ignored and often denied. Adoption is real life for adoptees, we live it until we die.
Work in progress contributions welcome…..
I hope that all adoptees get to read “Primal Wound” by Nancy Newton Verrier, it is a book that totally opened my eyes to all of the MANY problems I had/have been having in my life were due to being adopted. It also helped me understand my adopted mother’s odd behavior also. I had no idea that many other adoptees were experiencing similar issues, purely from being adopted.
I hope so too and I especially hope that adopters and other non-adoptees read it too so that they have a better understanding of what adoption does to us. Good to see you here!
Thank you for your blog, I always enjoy reading the various stories in my email. I found out that I was adopted and that my birth mother was also adopted! Unfortunately, I have not been able to find her, and my adopted parents (the living one, my mother) is very hurt by the mear mention of the idea of me looking. Just wanted to say thanks for all that you do!
Thanks Lisa for your feedback. I’m so sorry to hear you haven’t had any luck finding your mother. I have no idea of your age but as an adult anything you decide to do is entirely up to you and you don’t need to inform anyone either. Hope things improve. Sometimes it takes a very long time and a lot of patience. I didn’t meet my mother until I was 50 and I began when I was 32.
Thank you so much for your reply. I am sick of hearing (mostly from well -meaning church going types) that adoption is a beautiful thing. I had a placard on my bedroom wall as a child that stated “Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still, miraculously my own”. Very nice for my mother, who unfortunately turned out to be very abusive. I was adopted to keep my parents marriage together, and it did not work. When they divorced, I felt completely to blame. When my mother decided to end things with my father, she really turned on me, I think partly because he and I were closer. She tried so hard to be a “good mother” that she lost her mind. She was going to adopt another child, an infant boy, who she gave back to the agency because she felt he didn’t like her! He cried a lot (colicky?) I wish I hadn’t been such a “good baby”. Thank you for being real about what adoption is! My poor birth mother’s parents forced her to give me up. It must have been awful for her. I haven’t gotten serious about finding my birthmother, I guess I’m afraid of rejection. I found that she is not on the “Alma” (?) list, so I kind of stopped there. It’s something I need to face up to. Thank you so much again for your “Life of Von” site, I love it, it made my feelings real for the first time. All the best to you and yours!
Searching is a difficult thing with such an unpredictable outcome. I have no regrets even though I now have no contact. I’m so glad you like the blog. I’m grateful to those bloggers who’s posts I reblog and hope to be able to get back to writing some posts myself soon.
how about “root parent”? a term I was asked about today by an adoptee friend. She saw this term as grounding and giving stability to her feelings of a missing heritage. I on the other hand, the first mother end, pictured a chain saw blade ripping the outer bark just above base of the tree. When the chain reaches inner wet fibers of the trunk it sprays the pieces several feet in many direction until the there is enough missing that the top splinters with a loud snap from the base and crashes to the ground. The tree top is then dismembered and put to use for others to enjoy.
In my country this would be particularly inappropriate since ‘to root’ means ‘to have sexual intercourse with’ to put it politely.
Why are whores who have indiscriminate, unprotected, out of wedlock sex then become pregnant being celebrated? In order to avoid unwanted children these women simply needed to keep their legs together. It is sickening to see how these women portray themselves as victims. NO! The true victims are the poor children who must suffer the knowledge his or her mother didn’t even have enough respect for herself to save herself for marriage. How difficult it must be to know your mother is nothing more than a common whore.
MARGI SPINK BELLINGHAM IS A PRIME EXAMPLE. She started having indiscriminate sex at an early age. She gave away two babies never knowing the father of either. Now she claims to be a victim. RIDICULOUS!
Thank you for your comment Vera. In my country a ‘whore’ is a very old-fashioned term for a woman who receives payment for sex, often because she has no other way to make a living in a harsh and judgemental world. In these days of more reliable contraception we hope that most women might have access to and use a suitable method to prevent unwanted pregnancy whether they are married or not. I have found it important to try not to be judgemental when I could so easily have found myself in a situation which might have made me eat our words. That may be very difficult for those of us who are the children of women who gave away more than one child – one is a mistake, two is careless and so on as they say! We adoptees often see ourselves as victims in a multitude of ways – victims of the trauma of adoption, the early loss of our mother to whom we are attached whether we like it or not, the victims of identity theft, of false identity syndrome (just made that up!), of stigma and discrimination, but it is what we do with that victimhood that it ultimately significant in our making it through to survival and to being able to thrive despite adoption. There are many stages in the adopted life, all difficult. Personally, whether my mother ‘saved herself for marriage’ was the least of my concerns, but that’s just me, a War baby and love child!
The meaning of my earlier comment was misconstrued. I in no way condemn the child of adoption. My point is the heartbreak of such situations could be avoided if women were simply practiced traditional morality of saving themselves for marriage to a decent man. Of course, there can be exceptions but generally the societal norm of promiscuity causes situations in which women have unwanted pregnancies. It is disgusting to see how women such as Margi Bellingham who have indiscriminate, unprotected sex with multitudes of men resulting in an unwanted child attempt to protray themselves as victims. The true victims are the children
Who oftentimes must confront the truth of their own origins.
In no way was Clara Margi Spink Bellingham forced to give away her child. She simply had no idea of paternity. She needs to stop portraying herself as the wronged party.
veraeichman, You sound like a mean, awful person. I pity you and your miserable attitude.
No, my friend. I’m quite happy. I just get tired of women such as Margi Spink Bellingham blaming others for their immoral behaviour. Also, my heart bleeds for the unwanted children who suffer because of their sperm/egg donor’s selfishness. In addition, I grieve tremendously for all the babies lost through abortion simply because the “mother” was a woman such as Margi Bellingham.
eagoodlife, Please remove the harassment and slander posted by veraeichman on May 27 and again June 18th. It is very disappointing that you have allowed this remain on your blog. Vera Eichman in one of the many alias that Cindy Bitner and her husband Brent Clark have used to harass me for over 7 months. I am pressing charges against both of them for stalking, harassment and identity theft. I have the Colorado Springs Police Department detective’s name and case number if you have any questions.