Hey Dude – the real story!

Remember the “Hey Dude, I’m joking you’re not really adopted”  ‘joke’ that went viral? It had mixed reactions from the adoption community. A mother posted it to the Facebook Group Occupy Adoption suggesting it was hilarious or at any rate funny. As Admin I deleted the post because I had seen just how upset many adoptees had been over the wording when it was around first time. Like most things adoption – its complicated! If it has been a pivotal point for increased understanding between groups it may have been useful, although I doubt it very much. It certainly has been difficult for the owner the photo who did not authorise it’s use as a ‘joke’.

After my post on how mothers might feel if such tastless jokes were made about them, I had an email from Andy, the person who was once the child on the left of the photo. I have been in communication with him, asked him if he’d like to do a guest post and here’s what he had to say –

Talk about a hot button topic. I would be happy to post, but I don’t want to get lit up or cause anyone more pain because my experience and thoughts about this are complicated.

A few weeks ago I was at a granite supplier looking for something different to use on a new development’s granite kitchen counters. I looked through 100 different slabs, came across a wild one and immediately said “this is the one”. The salesperson laughed and said we call that our “love it or hate it granite’ It reminds me of this version of the way our picture was used, or the abortion issue which neither side will ever convert the other.

The first time my admin forwarded me this version, it was on George Takei’s Facebook page (Sulu from Star Trek). It had immediately gotten thousands of “LIKES”, “SHARES” and “COMMENTS”. I told my admin that I didn’t know whether to laugh or be creeped out. I thought nothing of the joke, despite being adopted – it was my face viral on the internet (it could have said anything or nothing and I would have reacted the same). So I started poking around and found it everywhere (again hundreds of different uses), with the Dude joke being the most prevalent. I found pages where people posted the Dude joke and it had over 50,000 “LIKES” on individual pages. I sent it to some very dear friends with adopted children and one of the parents laughed out loud.

I started reading the comments on Takei’s site and they were pretty typical of all of the pages with comments. Most people say they can’t stop laughing, some adopted children or parents are appalled at various levels and some adopted children or parents can’t stop laughing because “kids are kids and this is something mine would do”.. There are arguments back and forth between the two sides over whether or not anyone should be offended – and the arguments sometimes get nasty. The people who think it’s funny say “get over it” the people who are appalled say that the people who think it’s funny are insensitive and hurtful.

Please read this one all the way through before reacting: When I saw that adoption blogs were bringing up the joke and saying how much hurt it caused them pain I was appalled. Not because I had anything to do with the joke, or even that the joke offended me personally – it was because people were taking this one bit of the internet, done without my permission, and using it as an example of adoption insensitivity. How could I not be appalled? How could I not respect any mother who wants to protect their children from anything that might harm them? I immediately called my friend with the adopted children and asked if I had offended them and he immediately laughed and said “of course not! But I can see how some people would be”. People that hate the joke ask me if I think it’s funny. I have had the picture since childhood, everyone who sees it in our house laughs (and usually ask if it a picture that just came with the frame), I am a bad person to ask if I think the joke is funny because it’s my face, viral on the internet, and in that context anything written below it, or nothing at all would make me laugh. Am I personally offended by the joke because of my adoption history? No. Do I respect anyone who is offended by it? Yes, absolutely. Do I think it’s ok for adopted kids and parents of adopted kids to laugh at this? Yes. Am I appalled to have my face on blogs talking about adoption insensitivity? Oh yes, absolutely. Do I wish that people were just laughing at a picture that is a family treasure and reminds me of my father every time I see it? YES ABSOLUTELY.

I am 54. My father died prematurely of a brain tumor when my sister and I were young. She was two years older than me and had a better grasp of the situation when he was in the hospital. I just thought he was sick and would be coming home. One day my grandparents from Chicago showed up unannounced (to me) to our home in Cincinnati. I remember thinking it was odd, but was happy to see them and we all got in the car to go get my sister out of summer camp – I didn’t think anything of it. When we arrived at the summer camp and they brought her out she started crying uncontrollably at first sight of them, and my mother and grandparents started doing the same thing. I had no idea what was going on and panicked and kept asking what was wrong what was wrong. My mother finally said “Daddy died this morning” and the tears and screaming came out uncontrollably. I vividly remember that and going home and sitting on the stairs with my sister and crying for what seemed like hours. I was 6 or 7 and I remember it so vividly that I can still tear up over it, and it still feels like yesterday.

I know what pain feels like, and the joke does not bring it to me – but I respect anyone that it does. Seeing my face on adoption blogs saying it brings pain to other people hurts me deeply. There are far worse images out there (sometimes racist) that are clearly intended to be hurtful to adopted children that I would rather see used as the example – this one has such a great and innocent photograph attached to it that it is the one that went viral. But it’s the internet. There is a joke about a wife calling in to her husband to come to bed and he calls back “I’ll be there in a minute, I’m correcting something someone said on the internet”. I can’t correct this.

Not really a blog post – just info (and probably too much of it.

Best to you and anyone with the kindness in their heart to adopt a child,

Andy

So now you know the story behind the photo and my thanks to Andy for taking the time to provide it. It seems the least we can all do now is to let the photo drop from use, not repost the ‘joke’ and let Andy have back his family photo!