A Late Discovery Adoptee writes on the blog of a fellow adoptee – I have always felt an outsider in my own life. This must surely be a very common feeling for adoptees, no matter when they discovered they were adopted. It could probably even be said by non-adoptees who have suffered abuse or a dysfunctional family life, because it seems to reflect the dissociation we come to experience through, abuse, trauma, the loss of identity, biological kin, culture, language. Adoptees experience their designation as a ‘blank slate’ and become an actor of a script of someone else’s making.
I seem to have been away a long time. I have been experiencing another one of those momentous times in family life when the whole world turns upside down. During the time of crisis I coped well and was pleased with how I managed to keep my health in good order, look after myself well and deal with the stress and pressure. The aftermath has been much harder and each day feels like a roller coaster ride of emotions, a turbulent mix of feelings, a confusing race for information to make sense of what has happened and to bring in some sort of order. I have been very pleased to be able to show emotion, to cry and rant and to be able to unblock what I once might have suppressed, to let it out, to experience it fully and to find solutions for how to go forward, how to live well and happily despite the changed circumstances which are a life sentence. Life deals us some strange hands and some tests which never seem to end, challenges which don’t let up and circumstances which try our patience, tolerance, credibility memory and sense of self. I am more than happy to have come out of this with my sense of self very intact, my view of the past clear and my resolutions and decisions of the past intact and without regret. That leaves me somewhat isolated because I am viewed by a family I had to leave and cease to be part of as the Wicked Witch of the South, the one in the wrong and the skewing of facts into fiction is breath-taking. The repercussions will reverberate down the years and through the rest of my life. Never mix it with a sociopath!! Don’t just turn your back and walk away, run as fast and as far as you can. I travelled a whole Hemisphere! It still hasn’t been enough. It never will be, All I can do is keep myself safe, make sure I have good boundaries and be ever watchful. What a life sentence!
I’ve just been listening to a podcast from The Psychology of Eating, in which it is stated that we metabolise, or sometimes don’t metabolise, foods, water and emotions. So not metabolising water may make us bloated and not metabolising shame or anger for instance may affect our weight, as well as how we look, function and feel about ourselves. Living in the now, as Tolle and many others before him tell us, processing our emotions as we have them and processing ‘stored emotions’, those we repress, suppress and lock away either from lack of time, fear and so on, should enable us to regain our power, our ability to deal with whatever comes our way and to do so with flexibility, spontaneity and humour. I was reminded of that yesterday, when spending time with some relatives, one a boy of two years old. He is thoughtful, observant, spontaneous, humorous, gentle, and quite delightful in his ability to attend to what interest him. Sitting on his Nan’s knee next to me, in the space of minutes he invented two different games which delighted and amused me. He was quietly delighted to amuse me and his eyes twinkled. It was a time of great significance and healing for me. Next time we meet, I’m sure he’ll remember the occasion and refer to it in his own unique way. I am so content that he is being raised by wonderful parents, who will be the very best they can, with no fuss or bother, no self consciousness, just love and commitment . I was reminded of that delightful man of 80, who’s eyes twinkle with the simple light of the delight of a child – HH is currently visiting Australia, although not my home city this time. To commemorate the occasion, I have bought the album made by the Tibetan Australian musician Tenzin, who opens the ‘show’ with his music from his new album Heart Strings.( http://www.showticksecure.com/dalailamainaustralia2013/store/products/114-heart-strings-by-tenzin-choegyal.aspx) Enjoy! Back soon! ❤