The Never Ending Story

Here at Poddler’s Creek it has been beautiful Autumn weather.Warm, sunny, still and everything any weather-phobe could wish for. Your blogger has been busy pottering about, clearing out, preparing to pass some things on to others who will use them. It’s good to get rid of clutter, unused and un-useful objects, and we always seem to find things that are no longer useful, necessary, enjoyable to have around. Sometimes we swap things, exchange them or find new uses for them and occasionally things leave us only to return much later…like the box of LP’s which once contained the Beatles White Album but no longer does as it disappeared in the travels. Over the years there has been much paring down and few mistakes or regrets and even those were unexpected and surprising – old lecture notes, a loved Fair Isle jumper, a piece of furniture.

Regrets seem to come in other forms these days. Once you stop repressing feelings and dealing with what comes up to puzzle, upset, sadden, anger, there is work to be done which liberates, frees and lightens the load. It is the best form of clearing out there is, but it has taken me so many decades to be free of other responsibilities in order to have the space and time to do it. Ideally we would do this work before we have children or partners, but life just never quite works that way. I have been progressing, I hope, towards a reunion with an old friend, someone I knew decades ago, when we were not even in our teens. I have had to examine why we didn’t keep contact, if I want contact and if I don’t why not. To cut a long story short, it seems that I loved the family my friend was part of, they seemed to be my ideal, to have everything I would have liked – big and small brothers, animals,  a warm loving mother, an interesting father, a welcoming home, good food, a loving, close, humorous family life, a family history, compassion, acceptance, room to breathe, knowledge of who they were and where they came from and to some extent where they were going. They have all had interesting lives and remain the lovely people they were. I shed tears for my own loss, the deficit in my life and felt that deep emptiness of the adoptee, even though I know so much about my own history and people. Adoptee loneliness never leaves, whatever is happening in life, however we try to compensate and whatever we build in our adult lives. Childhood is so often a desolate place and it is no wonder I have reservations about revisiting it. However, I have firmly placed the ball in my old friend’s court now and will go with whatever happens. I have been welcomed by two brothers and hope she will feel the same. We had so much in common once and I expect we still do, as the things we found important will still be important and remain the bedrock of our lives.

Since The Big Shave and other hair-cutting, fund-raising events there have appeared a number of articles on short hair and what it ‘means’!  In our family it was a beautiful gesture which raised a handsome sum of money for research and a great deal of generous support and validation, admiration and gave people the opportunity for generosity, loving words and produced a woman who had the opportunity to rethink her image and undergo a transformation which was startling for her, unexpected for her and everything her mother knew it would be! It is all part of an interesting, exciting and fulfilling life.  Go Girl I’m very proud of you!shaved


2 thoughts on “The Never Ending Story

  1. 3 am- I was up with a revelation of how I do not have my first family and why (on my father’s side.) If someone had told me how reunions can be hazardous to your health, I would have proceeded with more caution back in the 1990s. I’m processing and letting go now. Man, this is work. Adoption is not for the weak.

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