Why Adoptees Can Never Win

Adoptees seem to be perceived as emotionally disabled because we discuss what adoption and mother-loss have done to us.

We are seen as making a fuss, ungrateful and whining because we discuss adoption and what it did to us when our mothers believed they were giving us up for a ‘better life’, perhaps they based their whole rationale on that and now look what we are doing!! One mother rebukes me with –

“she didn’t bring you up so what there is a lot of people in the same boat don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill”

And a male adopter who assures us with these words, certain  he is right – ‘I guarantee you that the vast majority of adoptees have better and healthier lives than they would have had they been raised by their birth mothers.’ – Steve Smith

How simple adoption can be when you don’t think it through and view it through a simple lens created to your own needs!

And a “Goodbye John” from a male adoptee disapproving of my modus operandi, my politics, my activism and my intentions. Oh Dear!  He is the second male adoptee this week, the other a little more respectful and aware of the impact of his words perhaps, known to each other and obviously swapping notes, assumptions and gathered tipbits from a group who like to out other adoptees they don’t agree with and accuse them of  anything they think can wound. This week I seem to be surrounded by what Jeff Brown calls “the unawakened male” – http://soulshaping.com/sacred-feminine-rising-course – perhaps it’s not accident that I’m reading through the course, thinking of all the males through my life who have been abusive in one way or another, sometimes unconsciously, unintentionally and sometimes intentionally and with purpose – the extra twist of the knife, the quick grab in the street, the affectionate kiss that turns nasty, the bully who escapes punishment by playing the victim, the moaning Malcolm, the Little King, the Huff&Puffer. I’m sure you’ve seen them all, know them well and have some fine examples in your life or have had. They’re hard to avoid, everywhere and part of our families, our workplaces, our schools and hospitals. Facebook is crawling with them, trolling, looking for the opportunity to wound, to abuse, to ridicule and suck the life out of everything, like a J.K.Rowling invention. Yes, of course women and girls are perpetrators too, but I’m talking about the men who like to throw their weight around, like father-of-loss some of us Australian adoptees know so well, who likes to tell us we need psychiatric help if we don’t agree with the agenda and has an offensive turn of phrase that sometimes turns to hate mail.

It’s how we deal with them that counts, how we manage how feelings, our hurts and responses. They are the sad victims, the perpetrators of violence, micro-aggression, guilting, controllers, manipulators and power-mongers, fearful and scared of themselves and life. Often afraid to change, unwilling to change, because everyone else is to blame and there is nothing wrong with them. It’s all the fault of the feminists, their mothers, their absent fathers, their first wives who trapped them into marriage, their boss, the Government, the climate, their PTSD, the booze, their racist mates et al……. And so many women allow them to go on behaving badly, grateful to have them in their lives because it means not being alone, not able to leave and not able to stay, trying to put the kids first and somehow not quite managing it because this is addiction or co-dependence and it’s hard to escape, too hard to stay away and even harder to resist the hooks, take the bait and find strength in self-sufficiency. There should be no judgement here. If you have walked in those shoes you will recognise the courage required, the good luck, the fortunate synchronicity, the turning point, the light going on and the dogged determination, the willingness to get up again and again…….

So D writes –

Von I am sad to say that you have lost my respect, totally and with it your credibility. You allow X, who seems very unwell, and others to abuse people in the most vile manner and you do not say or do anything in regards to it, Indeed you support it. This is not the way forward politically, Goodbye Von.
Breathtaking in it’s simplicity, razor-sharp in it’s analysis, economical in it’s demolition and somehow reminiscent of something else in the use of words! I remember once receiving a comment from a follower of Reece’s Rainbow, an adopter who asked question after question, amply made me feel like a useful resource and turned on me once she found something to disagree with which is what she’d been looking for. Her comment looked like the results of the use of a template. How those same phrases and words keep popping up and are always such a revealing give away. It is the same with some adoptees who have been influenced here in Australia by members of a long-established group and it’s ethos. There’s always talk of wallowing, being ripped from the mother’s arms, torn from the womb and other violent images occur over and over, re-traumatising and in some cases for adoptees, traumatising, because they have not previously thought it through and are being traumatised by something that may not have happened to them but which they take on as their own. Adoptees fresh to adoption history are vulnerable, easy to unbalance and quickly influenced, engulfed and swallowed up by cult-like tentacles which don’t let go easily. It spreads like measles, infectious but hard to get rid of. I will always support mothers-of-loss in their loss but I will never support assumptions, this type of blame and accusation as expressed here
in this insight from Lily Arthur, a mother-of-loss – instead of wallowing in your own self pity put yourself in the place of mothers who have gone to their grave through the stress created by angry, selfish and abusive adoptees who expect to be rewarded for abusing their mothers
The final word to that woman of wisdom Clarissa Pinkola Estes
The normalising of the abnormal even when there is clear evidence that it is to one’s own detriment to do so applies to all battering of the physical, emotional, creative, spiritual and instinctive natures. Women face this issue any time they are stunned into doing anything less than their soul-lives from invasive projections, cultural, psychic or otherwise.


5 thoughts on “Why Adoptees Can Never Win

  1. Von, your strength will threaten those who cannot and do not comprehend. A friend sent me an email that she finally realized that adoption is human trafficking – like a light bulb finally went on. The job of educating and blogging about adoption and loss will never be easy. We have to persist and not stop speaking. Adoption propaganda did its job marketing and trafficking babies and ultimately sold people on the concept by using the word “adoption” and not human trafficking. A sick culture indeed. You know you have friends who will fight for you.

  2. I still find it incredible that people use lengthy Prose like D and dogmatic attacks on people by W and others after a person has presented the alternative to theirs are accused of being vile and unwell and they continue to repeat their dogma again and again and then cry foul when people get sick of their garbage. I know i am “vile unwell person” mentioned by D and i am proud of the fact that for half a decade i have challenged those who claim to be all good and gooey yet underneath there is a narcissistic streak a mile long where they refuse to accept alternative views. To think that they have attacked you because of means yes i do have a short fuse is beyond the pale because you have always been the beacon of so many who fight the good fight with the chants and slogans long gone era’s that have already be acknowledged as wrong.

    The evidence of this narcissistic streak id s the fact that W has 33 separate posts on the Forced Adoption History site, nothing but a blatant attempt to write history in his own image. Must be the I am a saviour of future generation complex. and D has shown that he i]can actually write lengthy prose that mean nothing at all

  3. Pingback: Silly Billys | The Life Of Von

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