Adoptees seem to be perceived as emotionally disabled because we discuss what adoption and mother-loss have done to us.
We are seen as making a fuss, ungrateful and whining because we discuss adoption and what it did to us when our mothers believed they were giving us up for a ‘better life’, perhaps they based their whole rationale on that and now look what we are doing!! One mother rebukes me with –
“she didn’t bring you up so what there is a lot of people in the same boat don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill”
And a male adopter who assures us with these words, certain he is right – ‘I guarantee you that the vast majority of adoptees have better and healthier lives than they would have had they been raised by their birth mothers.’ – Steve Smith
How simple adoption can be when you don’t think it through and view it through a simple lens created to your own needs!
And a “Goodbye John” from a male adoptee disapproving of my modus operandi, my politics, my activism and my intentions. Oh Dear! He is the second male adoptee this week, the other a little more respectful and aware of the impact of his words perhaps, known to each other and obviously swapping notes, assumptions and gathered tipbits from a group who like to out other adoptees they don’t agree with and accuse them of anything they think can wound. This week I seem to be surrounded by what Jeff Brown calls “the unawakened male” – http://soulshaping.com/sacred-feminine-rising-course – perhaps it’s not accident that I’m reading through the course, thinking of all the males through my life who have been abusive in one way or another, sometimes unconsciously, unintentionally and sometimes intentionally and with purpose – the extra twist of the knife, the quick grab in the street, the affectionate kiss that turns nasty, the bully who escapes punishment by playing the victim, the moaning Malcolm, the Little King, the Huff&Puffer. I’m sure you’ve seen them all, know them well and have some fine examples in your life or have had. They’re hard to avoid, everywhere and part of our families, our workplaces, our schools and hospitals. Facebook is crawling with them, trolling, looking for the opportunity to wound, to abuse, to ridicule and suck the life out of everything, like a J.K.Rowling invention. Yes, of course women and girls are perpetrators too, but I’m talking about the men who like to throw their weight around, like father-of-loss some of us Australian adoptees know so well, who likes to tell us we need psychiatric help if we don’t agree with the agenda and has an offensive turn of phrase that sometimes turns to hate mail.
It’s how we deal with them that counts, how we manage how feelings, our hurts and responses. They are the sad victims, the perpetrators of violence, micro-aggression, guilting, controllers, manipulators and power-mongers, fearful and scared of themselves and life. Often afraid to change, unwilling to change, because everyone else is to blame and there is nothing wrong with them. It’s all the fault of the feminists, their mothers, their absent fathers, their first wives who trapped them into marriage, their boss, the Government, the climate, their PTSD, the booze, their racist mates et al……. And so many women allow them to go on behaving badly, grateful to have them in their lives because it means not being alone, not able to leave and not able to stay, trying to put the kids first and somehow not quite managing it because this is addiction or co-dependence and it’s hard to escape, too hard to stay away and even harder to resist the hooks, take the bait and find strength in self-sufficiency. There should be no judgement here. If you have walked in those shoes you will recognise the courage required, the good luck, the fortunate synchronicity, the turning point, the light going on and the dogged determination, the willingness to get up again and again…….
So D writes –