Up My Nose

truthApart from those mothers 0f loss I deeply respect, have contact with and exchange views with, I stay  away  from mothers, because I have found it unproductive, irritating and unhelpful to engage in  any communication or discussion, it seems for them as well as for me. Here’s some of the reasons why it doesn’t work for me-

1) I have been an adoptee for over 70 years and will not be treated like a naughty or recalcitrant child

2) I will not be treated as if I am totally ignorant about adoption

3) I will not be patronised, ridiculed, bullied or misrepresented

4) I will not be told I’m doing something I’m not

5) I will not be preached at

6) I will not be told I’m making a mountain out of a molehill when I articulate part of my experience – as in ‘ she didn’t bring you up so what there is a lot of people in the same boat don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill’

7) Someone’s background, education or experience is not an excuse for treating adoptees badly

8) I will not be made to feel guilty for the actions of another adoptee

9) I will not accept that it is ok to treat an adoptee rudely, callously, dismissively,

10) I will never accept that mothers know adoption better than adoptees do

11) I will always be hopeful that mothers will educate themselves better about adoption and how it is for adoptees

12) I will continue to hope that mothers throw out the stereotypes about adoptees and read and listen to our real life experiences

13) I will continue to hope that mothers prepare themselves for possible reunion, to give themselves the very best shot at forming a lasting relationship if that is what they want

14) I will continue to hope that mothers can be courageous enough to take on board what adoption has done to them and to the adoptees they created

15) I will continue to hope that mothers will find it important to support adoptees in change, recognition and validation

16) I will never give up hoping mothers show adoptees the same acceptance, respect and lack of judgement shown them by many adoptees

17) I will continue to hope that all mothers can one day tell the difference between what is personal and what is general, what is assumption and what is fact, what is generalisation and what is truth.

18) I will continue to hope that mothers begin to question the myths of adoption which are convenient, hurt less and are easy to trot out and learn the truths and the realities of adoption for adoptees and not resort to the agendas of some groups with their ready made lists

19) I will continue to hope that mothers can learn to discuss adoption without ‘laying a trip’ on adoptees for the perceived ‘sins’ of the adoptee/s they created

20) I will continue to believe most mothers were in some way coerced, duped, cheated, tricked, forced into adoption and that some wanted adoption because that is the evidence

21) I will continue to believe it is not ok for mothers and others to tell adult adoptees how to live their lives and what to do, as if we are all emotionally disabled and incapable – (http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2015/01/contacting-siblings-when-women-denies.html)

22) I will continue to believe there are no experts in adoption and that we all have much to learn because none of us will ever know it all in the complex world of adoption

23) Few mothers actually parented us before adoption – they might be our mothers, but they have not been our parents and therefore need to negotiate boundaries carefully

24) Becoming  a mother is life changing, more than most of us realised


25) Suffering is not a competition – in some instances we can choose to hold onto it or let it go and move on with our lives


A quote from an adoptee – It’s amazing that we are able to understand very well that removing a puppy or a kitten from its mother too early can cause very serious issues. But when it comes to human beings, we ignore or minimize these issues even within our own adoption community, where we should know better. Maybe because it’s too painful to contemplate, and it’s easier to pretend everything is fine. Instead of that, let’s focus on ways to HEAL THE DAMAGE and regain our lives. Let’s continue to remind people that denying or minimizing the challenges we face is just another way of objectifying us, of dehumanizing us, another form of adoptee abuse.





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