Flipping The Flip

Over at the blog CHOSEN2BHIS Carrie writes on adoption, adoptees and in this post on #flipthescript and how to ‘flip the flip'( https://chosen2bhis.wordpress.com/2014/12/22/can-we-flip-the-flip)
Just to understand better and see some background she writes in a previous post –
I think its time the world understood the truth about adoption. Yes, its positive, but YES, it can be negative too. I mean seriously—It is GODS DESIGN for a mother and baby to not be separated. You can read infant and child development books through the roof and it all says the same thing: In order for a person to become a normal participating adult, the time between conception and age 5 are CRUCIAL to moral, physical, emotional and spiritual development of the human being. Even DR. DOBSON will reiterate that. Therefore, we HAVE to conclude, that at the moment of permanent separation between mommy and baby-and at the most crucial time in a human beings life-at the moment of birth, when the baby needs to be reassured that the world is okay, and that humans can be trusted….that instantaneous separation when the baby is born, cleaned, and swaddled is whisked away to a plastic baby bed in a loud, boistrous nursery….it MUST affect that baby FOR LIFE. We HAVE to come to that conclusion. There is no other conclusion to come to. Whenever that moment of permanent separation occurs, really, whether you are 2,3,4,5,6,10, 15….but now we have words to express our feelings, and habits, and thoughts that validate our feelings, and express our protesting of being adopted. If a person is going to live a full, whole, normal participating life as an adult, there MUST be a whole, fullfilling, normal infancy and childhood WITH their biological mother and father or family. (who also, must also be whole) Without it, the child will enter the adult world not fully equipped as they should be. Its just a fact of nature and human development.
and later in response to #flipthescript
People like positive things. We all want to hear about what good things are happening, what’s positive about whats going on. Now, I will be the first to tell you that growing up adopted and having to sort through adoption feelings as an adult can be and is anything but postive.(sic) In fact it feels like being wide awake in the middle of your own nightmare…Anyways….as I further checked into this “Flip the Script” thing, I found it to be mostly anything BUT positive. What I am “hearing” is that “Flip the Script” is a very short phrase for a very larger, broader phenomenon that is encouraging all adoptees to “find their voice” as they say, to criticize, bash, and belittle adoption and adoption agencies and anyone who consideres (sic) themselves to be pro adoption and pro adoption agencies. Any adoptee who cannot do that is considered a troll, and offensive to the adoption community.(????)
Carrie states that ten lies are being told about adoption, I’ll take these roughly one by one, because each deserves a response. Carrie states that the first lie is that adoption is about loss, when she believes it is about gain. We see that she wrote previously about human development, the separation of baby from mother and how it must affect the baby for life – in this context read ‘adoptee’. If we are to have a full understanding of adoption and the complexity of the process, we cannot simplify for our own convenience or argument because it is misleading, misrepresents the process and the experiences of adoptees. All adoption involves mother-loss because a child/baby looses his/her mother in a process which begins before birth and has effects and ramifications we are only just beginning to realise and understand. When we validate the experiences of adoptees, however they differ from our own and however much they don’t fit into our agenda, our belief system or our mind set, we indicate that they are heard, acknowledged, listened to with respect, taken seriously and understood. If we are fellow adoptees, that is particularly crucial, because if fellow adoptees don’t take us seriously, believe us and support us, how can we hope non-adoptees will? The task of adoptee activists has often been and still involves the struggle for understanding and recognition that we have rights too, human rights to be treated the same as others and to have the same thing as others, instead of being treated as second-class citizens. So many adoptees do not have their original Birth Certificates, their birth information and some do not have citizenship. Many have lost their names, identity, country, language, culture as well as their biological families and their chances of finding them. If that is not making someone the victim of adoption I don’t know what is! It is definitely not all in the head, imagined or unreal. It can be proven and someone is responsible. Not however the adoptee, who was a baby or child at the time of adoption when the identity was switched. If all that is not a horror or a tragedy, a trauma or a loss, I don’t know what is! Adoptees protest because they don’t believe it is just, fair or right. We live with whatever we gained from it, the lessons, the advantages, the disadvantages, the pain, the joy, the confusions, the synchronicities, the lies and the truths. That is the adopted life, the only one we know and not to be judged by anyone or scripted by someone who thinks they know better.
Carrie writes about agencies and what she believes are the lies told by #flipthescript. Perhaps many of the beliefs she attributes to #flipthescipt are actually those of some adoptees, some non-adoptees and those professional researches, bloggers, film-makers, magazine editors, playwright, journalists and authors who write about these topics. There is any amount of evidence about how unhelpful Adoption Agencies and their workers are about providing information to adoptees which might connect them with their biological relatives.
Carrie tells us no-one is to blame and no-one is manipulating adoption. We only need take a look at adoption history, the ethics of adoption and the legislative progress of adoption in many countries to understand that adoption legislation is manipulated by legislators and powerful and/or wealthy lobby groups who wish it to meet their own agendas and belief systems. Even in my country sometimes/once known for it’s progress in adoption matters, there are adoptees who are vetoed – prevented from knowing who they really are, where they came from or who their biological relatives are. Legislators are not ‘feverishly trying to hide’. They are upfront, usually consider themselves right are often implacable because they come from a place of power, money and influence. It seems that those who believe that we are adopted by god wish to believe that our healing is achieved through this belief. Let them believe whatever they wish but they have no right to judge the rest of us and to judge us harshly, without compassion, proper research and thorough investigation. Who needs enemies hey?
Carrie writes about the adoption agencies and how they are viewed and how babies for adoption are viewed as ‘customers’. Perhaps she means commodities and it is difficult to understand this any other way when such enormous sums of money are charged and babies are often a lucrative export trade for countries considered to be in poverty by richer countries such as America. She also says elsewhere “Dealing with adoption and with adoptees and raising another woman’s child is kind of like buying a used car. These days we have something called a “car fax”. Before you go buy a car, it would be wise to either find the carfax on that car or have the seller show you the car fax so that you know you’re not being duped and buying a lemon and wasting all of your money. Granted, people are not cars, and adoption is never a waste of money, but, you wouldn’t buy a car if you knew the engine didn’t work, or the transmission was shot-that is information that you need to know about before you give your money away. Same with adoption. If you just go and buy a child and you don’t question the possible problems that are coming with that child you’re not only being detrimental to you and your spouse and your family but you are being very inconsiderate of the needs of that child beyond making sure they don’t starve to death. People need to be honest. There is no way a parent can buy, purchase or pay an agency or another individual for another human being complete with an entire genetic makeup that goes with another mother and another family and put them in a complete and total different environment and expect that the environment will erase all of the child’s genetic makeup so that there will be no emotional problems over what took place….”
She tells us adoptive mothers want what they want. Many of them tell us what they want in their blogs and books, leaving us in little doubt. Some are too busy getting on with the task of trying to be a good adoptive parent.
She tells us adoption healing can only come by way of whining, complaining, and hating of all pro-adoption people, adoption supporters, and all pro-adoption agency/adoption agency supporters. (Truth: Adoption healing comes by flipping the “Flip the Script” and looking at the other side of the coin and seeing the light in the dark, the positives in the negatives and learning to accept what happened and by forgiving anyone you feel has personally wronged you)
It is very saddening that any adoptee can be so judgemental of fellow adoptees and be so unaccepting of the lived experiences of others. Until we can all respect the lives and experiences of others and understand that they are as valid as our own, that there are no positives and negatives just living, life and the adopted life with all it’s richness, it’s truths, we will have a very unhealthy adoption community which is compartmentalised, in conflict and does not encourage adoptees to be survivors, to share their stories, to discuss the realities of adoption and to be fully realised human beings with rights, not stigmatised, belittled, criticised and told how to live. We all have the right to find our voices, to express ourselves and to speak the truth as we see it and to find our own way to heal if we need and want to. We need to do that in our own time, in our own way and at our own pace, as we discover the steps to take. In her post on December 25th Carrie states
We want other people who can identify with our pain, that can understand our sorrow and our sense of loss that we have. We need to connect with other adoptees who recognize and validate our unique set of feelings and emotions that we experience and wil (sic) continue to experience all throughout life as adopted people. And i think this adopted person does.
Her latest post indicates what appears to be her current thinking – –
The adoption processes can leave many of us heartbroken. Birth mothers who know the best thing for baby is to choose for someone else to raise their child. Expectant mothers who desperately desire to mother and are exhausted and delerious (sic) and not being able to give birth to their own, adoptive mothers and fathers who are waiting, and hoping and wait some more to be able to hold a child in their arms and be loved by them. God has in some way or fashion has chosen us all through this miracle process of adoption to be the recipients of his compassionate grace.
Having been present at the conception and birth of #flipthescript I am proud to know and be associated with a courageous, industrious and intelligent group of women writers, bloggers and activists who lead full lives with families and careers, adoption healing always to the forefront and the quest for truth in adoption a given. I am disappointed to see such sweeping assumptions and generalisations made about us all and the purpose of #flipthescript so misunderstood, misread and misrepresented. Perhaps Carrie would like to join my Facebook groups Adoptees on Adoption and Adoption Information in order to get a broader view of adoption and those who live with it or read some of the recent publications by authors who are part of The Lost Daughters community blog. All are available on Amazon. #flipthescript will not be flipped, dismissed, belittled and will continue, stronger for the comments of those who have misunderstood or are unable to comprehend or take on board the implications.
And to finish, a quote from a dear member of our adoption community who commented on a Facebook thread – I always try and tell it to people like this and sometimes something brief speaks volumes. “If I told you I lost my mother at birth your reaction would usually be one of sympathy. If I told you I was adopted your reaction would usually be how wonderful”. They are the same thing.

8 thoughts on “Flipping The Flip

  1. Thank you, Von, for this post, for being able to articulate what I felt but could not express.
    I think the following quote defines Chosen2behis:
    “God has in some way or fashion has chosen us all through this miracle process of adoption to be the recipients of his compassionate grace.”
    I suspect the writer to really be an adopter or agency employee, maybe a brand new Bmommy writing to a script, definitely ruled by a rabid faith. So Many Contradictions in her blog.
    Consternating for me anyway, to the point of my not being able to make a clear nonjudgemental response.

  2. This poor girl is a confused mess. What is a healed adoptee? If I lost my leg, it would never grow back. Am I healed if I learn to accept that? I would still never be truly healed of leg loss, and I’m sure there will be times that I would hurt emotionally, and wish i had my leg back. That’s how adopton is for me. There is no healing. Carrie is a victim of the adoption industry just like the rest of us.

    PS, there is no like button on here anymore! Sometimes I don’t want to comment, but just want to show support!

  3. Just My Opinion. As much as I have read here, on her blog, Carrie has not spent much time reading other people’s views on adoption at all – as a matter of fact, she’s uneducated and possibly a troll (not real). It takes YEARS to “get this” and she lacks any perspective worth reading.
    It would not surprise me to find someone in the adoption biz do this (anti-flip the script) like a good little adoptee… her blog reads like propaganda. Or she has psych issues.

  4. ‘ “If I told you I lost my mother at birth your reaction would usually be one of sympathy. If I told you I was adopted your reaction would usually be how wonderful”. They are the same thing.’

    How profound.

    And thank you, Von, for addressing some of the glaring issues with Carrie’s points. As a first mother, I don’t feel it my place to call her out on it, so I read and remain silent.


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