Rumpled Spines and Pretty Dreams

My good friend with the spines has had some good posts lately and how good it is to read them again, nobody does it better! How many things there are to call to attention in adoptionland and how long it takes for things to change. A little while back a young woman who became a television presenter here in Australia, took her own life because of on-line bullying. It’s easy to say ‘Just don’t go on-line’. This young woman was an adoptee and had low self-esteem, a need to be loved and approved of, as most of us do. It all got out of hand with tragic consequences. Her tendency to self-destruct on occasions is something most of us have experienced from time to time, but hers was so public, so visible and so ‘expensive’. It is tragic that she did not seek help and get help to learn to become a survivor instead of a victim, ultimately the victim of bullies who got away with their activities. How hard it is sometimes for us to look after ourselves, to do the courageous thing, to take the tough road to recovery from the damage adoption has done to us. At least adoption was recognised as a factor in this situation, something new and not previously seen. A recognition at last that adoption does damage, can wreck lives and has significant costs.
Adoption never leaves us, never leaves us alone, never fails to catch us unawares, off guard or on the back foot. It is everywhere, unavoidable and we are constantly reminded of our adoption, our adoptee status or lack of it. I doubt a day goes by that doesn’t present half a dozen examples or more – a news story, a film, legislation, a chance encounter, a question, an email. Even when we try to take a break from it, our own damage or effects of adoption pop by to let us know we’re still an adoptee, always an adoptee. I’m not grizzling, although I could and have little respect for those who use such words, along with ‘angry’, ‘ungrateful’, ‘bitter’ and such. Their understanding off adoption falls very short and it is to be hoped that at least they are not adopters or even prospective adopters.
We make the best of it that we can, but sometimes it is like the phantom pain of the amputee. Hard to explain but real. Not pleasant to experience and nevertheless painful. Hard for others to understand because it’s not visible. It can strike at any time, without warning and with unpredictable outcomes. Most adoptees understand the adoption fog – the one we are in before we see adoption clearly and also the one that descends sometimes making clear thinking difficult. The last few days I have been struck down by the later, having come out of the former years ago. Nothing seemed to go right and some things actively went wrong – my inbox, my phone, my Visa card and so on. The things I have done a dozen times suddenly became too difficult, confusing and hard to work out. In this situation I set myself goals and manage in that way to clear the fog and get things working again. I try to keep it simple, don’t take on too much and allow myself some slack. I try to be self-reliant, but occasionally have to ask for help and am glad to have non-judgemental, calm assistance. Of course these episodes are accompanied by dreams, nightmares and recurrent themes. Last night’s was filled with activity, packed with attempts to organise life and assert identity. It had it’s upsides – beautiful clothes, pretty shoes, jewellery and shops full of antiques, treasures and characterful items. The colours were soft, pastel, charming and girly.edwardian Almost Edwardian, but not quite so laced up! I’m pleased to find these dreams have gradually changed, become softer, less about life and the hardship of being ‘stateless’, without identity, name, and are now more directed so that I’m in charge and have purpose and goals. It is a great relief! Perhaps soon they will become enjoyable!

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2 thoughts on “Rumpled Spines and Pretty Dreams

  1. Thanks. When I don’t post for a long time, it’s because I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over again.

    And yes, things change so…very…slowly. )-:

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