Everything Else Flows

A rather long review of our book is now available on Amazon. I suppose one should feel grateful for the support of interested parties. However when they begin by telling us
Taken in one gulp these writers remind us that being adopted is the singular aspect of their lives out of which everything else flows. – we see that yet again this mother-of-loss has got it completely wrong! For me anyway! I realised a long time ago that here was someone who had a fixed construct of adoption which suited her own story and that she would not accept any challenges to that. I leave well alone, but occasionally stumble over something she has written and feel my annoyance well up. I hate being misunderstood. It is part of my story. It arose early in my life, at around age three, and was accompanied by a sense of justice or rather in the first instance, injustice. It served me well, once I learned to live with it and we became firm companions and inseparable friends.
My fellow authors and I could have chosen any subject to write about and made a book about child rearing, relationships, food, anything you care to name, because these are women who love to write. We chose to write about some aspects of adoption, because that was the focus of our blog, not because it is ‘the singular aspect’ of our lives from which everything else arises. Adoptees so often find themselves explaining to non-adoptees that adoption is only a part of life, not the whole of life! Perhaps mothers-of-loss need to believe adoptees see adoption as the most important fact of our lives, because it then acknowledges their importance and significance. It has never proven of any worth to point out such facts. Those things are never well received and bring out the defensive, irritated and injured responses it is as well to avoid. My blog is my own, where I say what I like, have always done so and will continue to do so.
Life here in my part of adoptionland is about to change in a major way, yet again. My beautiful Daughter, who has been in residence for about a year, has bought a delightful cottage in an exciting complex of self-sufficiency, growth and sustainability. Her cottage has it’s own water supply, collected off the roof and stored underground beneath the building. It has solar panels and is self-sufficient in power, so there are no running costs.It is build in such a way that heating and cooling are not required. There is a communal orchard, wood oven and other shared facilities which the community has built and enjoys. She is excited to begin this new phase of her life and her absence in this house will be sorely noticed. Life will change for me quite significantly and I will miss seeing her every day, having deep and meaningful conversations, laughing and building our adult relationship in a new way. There are no holds barred, no forbidden topics, no taboos and nothing too scary, too sacred or too embarrassing! For instance we recently discussed what we wanted to happen after my death – sometimes it seems so far away, at other times of pain I wish it could be immediate. I have found a company that performs natural burials and cremations and uses cloth shrouds, cardboard coffins and wicker, cane and woven coffins. They also do eco burials so that you can have your ashes placed in a biodegradable container with tree seeds of your choice for planting in a place of your choice. I needed to discuss which options were acceptable to us both and the ensuing conversation was full of hilarity and achieved resolution. So that’s settled! She tells me that in a strange quirk of fate her father will probably attend my funeral as a support for her. He and I have long been estranged, with irreconcilable differences, so it will seem odd but better for having been discussed. Perhaps in death we will finally find resolution.
My big challenge for the week has been to grapple with my significant feelings of being abandoned and left, as my Daughter goes off to her new life. It caught me unawares and a well timed shot of Vitamin B12 helped to deal with the urge to assume the foetal position under the bedclothes! A once a week catch-up is just not the same as seeing someone every day and my new freedom will be welcome in many ways, but whatever the positives, that little adoption legacy is lurking, ready to pop out and stymie the best laid plans. It’s dealt with, for now; come Friday there will be probably be tears and it will have to be dealt with all over again…..

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