Dry Wind

weird shitYou know that moment when you catch sight of your reflection in the computer screen and say “Hey! I’m back!”? It seems I’m back! Maybe it was that swim in the ocean I had the other night – yes it was a swim, not far, but my feet left the ground and I was suspended in the ocean, that healing liquid place of endless wonder and delight. It was a magnificent night; hot day followed by a warm night and I sat outside afterwards looking at the Milky Way, enjoying the flights of the Pipistrelle bats and the night noises of birds and frogs. I am incredibly lucky to live in a place of great peace, huge trees and dramatic beauty.
I’ve been reading a great deal, trying to discover why I have been so ill since none of the ‘experts’ seem to know. Gradually it seems to be emerging, like coming out of the fog into the light or down the rabbit hole into the craziness that is the truth. As a teen I loved the sun and as an adult worked hard in the fresh air. I’m pleased never to have bought into the myths surrounding the use of sunscreen, but nevertheless have gradually decreased my sun exposure until the last two years after my ops when I was unable to work outside or be comfortable in anything approaching heat. Those two years and the surgical interventions have seriously messed up my body’s ability to absorb minerals and use vitamins and I have become seriously depleted in the very things that keep life going and keep life ticking healthily.
Whether I can recover is something that won’t be known for a long time, but it seems everything that can be done, is being done. I have the expert consultations of a Naturopath, the support of family and even the advice of the German Doctor in the wider family, who has explained it all succinctly with much reference to bowels and great attention to detail! I am working on ‘the adoption stuff’ as I like to call it and that is productive – bit like a cough that breaks and you start coughing up the rubbish! I’m revisiting the feelings, trying to capture the essence of what I’ve been carrying for so long, finding the keys and unlocking the forbidden doors. It reminds me of the tale of Bluebeard (adoption), with the tale teller as the adopters perhaps and we adoptees as the heroine/hero eventually home free.
It is heartbreaking to look back at the abuse, the stigma, the loses and the identity issues. What breaks my heart today is that I was the subject of stigma for so many years without realising it, consciously at any rate. Somewhere our hearts know don’t they? Somewhere in our little bodies we receive the messages over and over, that we are not as others, not good enough, not loveable enough, come from ‘bad stock’, had mothers who were ‘the unfortunates’*, that we are not deserving, not worthy and that we are second rate. Others look down on us, sometimes from a great height and it isn’t until much later we understand their stance – they think they are better than we are, that we are to be saved, redeemed, made whole, purified and our past wiped out, our relatives cut out as if they were a cancer.
I wonder too if our mothers, who have carried the burden of stigma for so long, don’t want us to help carry their load, sometimes not realising we have been carrying the stigma for our whole lives. Maybe in believing they gave us up for a better life, they thought they had given us a ‘get out of goal free card’ – nothing could be further from the truth for most of us. My mother’s last words to me as we parted after stage one of our ‘reunion’ were “Have a nice life!” Said with an irony that was like a knife twisting in my guts and heart. As if she hadn’t given me legacy enough! There is no blame, although today I might have had a different answer; then I had none.
For some reason this seems appropriate for today – I love this version, how about you?

*Kate Cocks founder of the Kate Cocks Mother and Babies Home run by the Methodist Church

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2 thoughts on “Dry Wind

  1. Oh Von,
    I can so relate to so many parts.
    Are you sure there isn’t mast cell involvement? I have so many abnormal blood tests.
    I am sure the trauma we have endured, physical and emotional has set our bodies into a tailspin. I hope you get to float atop the sea again soon..it’s a kind of freedom we so need. That and Paul Simon!
    hugs
    C

    • I’m still not certain. I feel we’re programmed for all this before birth. Being in the sea is so wonderful and it will be easier for me once I feel easier about the actual physical effort. Yes Paul Simon!! So helpful!

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