Angel toes

IMG_0013It’s a glorious day here at Poddler’s Creek. Time for cats to laze and roll in the sun. We have had days this week that spell Summer; we swam or paddled in the sea, enjoyed a sunset over the water, ate fish and chips and wore our bathers/swim suits and felt the freedom of the breeze through our hair, the lightness of getting rid of heavy clothes. The Winter has been heavy, full of difficulties to be overcome, challenges to be met and it feels we’ve come to the end of the year and that anything is possible, that we have shed our old skins like lizards and are shiny bright ready for new things, new possibilities and changes.
At this end of the year and before Christmas, we like to have a good clear out, give away what we don’t need, rehome what we haven’t used and rethink what we want to keep. At least two of us admit to having made mistakes in the past and have regrets about decisions we made that we wish we could undo. At 15 or so my Daughter threw out her diaries and early poems and writing. She can never recover what she at that time thought was unimportant, but now understands differently. She at least has a mother who remembers her childhood and growing up and has a great memory for what others might call trivia, but are the things which make up our recollections, our stories of our lives – what we did, what we wore, what we ate, who we were with and what they said. We often reminisce and then play it forward, looking for patterns, synchronicities, outcomes, consequences and lessons.
My own mother wasn’t there through my childhood and growing up and my amother had no nostalgia except for her own childhood, no memories of mine except those that hurt and which hurt more deeply now than they did then. The more I know about adoption, the more these recollections of hers are out of place, out of order and I wonder how she could possibly have told them while considering herself empathetic or sensitive. She told them with some amusement and expected me to share her amusement. As a child I felt bewildered, as a teen puzzled and as an adult, angry and sorry I had not reached a place where I could challenge her recollections and invite her to view them from my perspective. Here’s a f’instance. She told the story of how she, being an inexpert child-raiser mixed the formula wrongly and was slowly starving me, a baby who had been weaned abruptly. She thought it amusing and probably against herself but showed no hint of how it might have been for me – I guess babies didn’t have feelings in those days! It has always been a wonder to me that I haven’t had major difficulties with food and my relationship to it. I love it, I love to cook and have never had an eating disorder, unless you count chemical sensitivities and amine and salicylate intolerances, which In suppose you’d have to. They lasted a few short years and I recovered. Perhaps my current difficulties with Vitamin B12 absorption and Vitamin D synthesis are subtle messages that all is not well, it clearly is not, as I am still unwell and have had major problems. The difficulty is with the understanding of what is happening; no-one in the medical sphere has the expertise to interpret in an holistic way. I take responsibility for my illness and for my healing. I don’t expect magic cures or quick fixes. It would be nice to have a professional who can help me join the dots!
Here at Poddler’s Creek it is a hive of industry. Small and large pieces of work are being finished, some outstanding for quite a few years. It’s good to see. Soon the new paving will be completed and there will be a small garden to refurbish, a very large fish bowl to purchase and fill, umbrellas to place and furniture to chose. An area that has for over ten years been unsatisfactory might finally be resolved, enjoyed and used better. That’s feels good and necessary. This house and land have progressed organically, change by change over 60 years and a photographic record kept, passed on and added to. There have only been 3 owners and the 4th is already making plans! Keeping it in the family will be a development the previous owners didn’t achieve but regret.
Up in the goose house all is quiet. They have been harassed by both fox and Goshawk this week and have decided to stay indoors for a few days. I let them out twice a day to give them the opportunity to change their minds, but their decision is the same each time. They come out, stretch their legs and go back in. It is a big fox and a hungry goshawk. The geese seem to be enjoying the rest and the safety; foraging in the straw for feed or in the crate of greens or settling to sleep, heads under wings. The young ones are getting large, with adult wing feathers now and fuzzy heads and necks. They look like angels with their little innocent faces and white fluffy wings. Their legs seem too long, their toes too big. This time of their lives lasts such a short time and is one of great beauty and poignancy. Wouldn’t miss it for anything!!

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3 thoughts on “Angel toes

  1. Von, you pick me up and take me to a divinely beautiful place with parts of this post. Poddlers Creek sounds like paradise right now……it is so hot and muggy here today. Later when the breeze comes in I will have to go sit by the ocean and think of the geese at Poddlers Creek and their lovely “mum”.

  2. I went and had my sit by the ocean…..and thought about you and your geese and Poddler’s Creek Von…….I am amazed every day by how much love and support I feel from people who I have never met in real life but who understand me so intrinsically. I am very grateful for that.

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