Just in case you missed it –
I know many adult adoptees who have suffered narcissistic parenting or rather been parented by narcissists. I know of many non-adoptees who have suffered the parenting styles and the abuses of parents who themselves were abused by their parents. They are all victims of cultures in which it is believed that violence towards children, emotionally or physically or both, is acceptable, perhaps even necessary, in order to raise compliant, obedient citizens. Here is the worst of it; a strong stomach is required to read through this list of violent, sadistic acts towards babies, toddlers and children, all done in the name of a good christian upbringing http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/04/some-quotes-from-michael-pearl.html
Here’s another way to ‘do’ parenting; far gentler, kinder and doesn’t result in sadistic acts, torture and untimely deaths, which in the cold light of day and viewed from a position of some sanity and justice, would be very hard to justify, accept, exonerated or even understand. What sort of adult or parent wants to beat up children on a very regular basis and in the coldness of a considered act? – Check this alternative out – http://www.barrenjoeymontessori.com.au/newsletter/graceful-discipline.shtml
As those of us who are parents are aware, parenting is not easy, it doesn’t just come to us naturally and much of what we do as parents is learned behaviour. We’d better ensure then that we have some good role models, mentors and supporters, because there are times when we’re going to need them!
Adoptive parenting is even harder, because there are other considerations resulting from adoption, directly resulting from adoption, such as the loss of a mother, the trauma and grief of that loss and the traumas of adoption which for some will be multiple, as in transnational adoption. It seems that all but transnational adoptees and their supporters, usually fellow adoptees, are unable to see the brutality, the cruelty and the very real losses in being removed from one’s Motherland, culture, language, people and known world. Perhaps those who adopt this way block out those thoughts, believe that orphan saving is all and that nothing else matters, or perhaps they don’t grasp it, understand it or put themselves in the shoes of others. Perhaps they suffer from that brand of white privilege which deems every unknown culture as inferior, unimportant and able to be passed on through ‘culture school’, occasional immersion or a meal. It is, not to put a gloss on it – racist. Those of you who have been around adoption blogs for a while will remember the case of the ‘sainted’ adopter who could do no wrong, being defended by her supporters after she had posted a photo of the adoptee in her care, adopted from China, making the ‘slant eyes’ gesture. Many were horrified; she thought it funny and gave the two fingers to her detractors, because her white privilege made her right, unassailable and uncaring.
While adoption is about parents and ‘creating families’, these wrongs will be perpetuated, violence will continue and children will be damaged or die. How long have we been asking for adoption, where it is necessary, because parents cannot/should not/will not parent, be made about children and their needs? There will always be adoptees, we should be giving them the best parents and the best life we can. Don’t they deserve it?