Intimacy of Abuse

What distinguishes occasionally abusive behavior from an abusive relationship is the systematic attempt to control or dominate. Although control and domination are often used synonymously, they differ in motivation.
Control is driven by fear or anxiety. When motivated by fear, controlling behavior is an attempt to neutralize a perceived threat to self or relationship. Examples are nagging a partner to stop drinking, flirting, or yelling or continually criticizing his/her driving, job performance, or friends.
Control motivated by anxiety is an attempt to prevent discomfort. Examples are nagging a partner to do things the way you want them done, just because you feel uncomfortable if they are done another way. Not surprisingly, people with high temperamental anxiety are more likely to engage in this kind of control, as they fall into the trap by trying to regulate their anxiety by controlling their environment. They see their partner’s resistance to feeling controlled as an aggressive attempt to make them feel uncomfortable

Emotional Abuse of Intimate Partners | Psychology Today.
You’ll find plenty of material on abuse in intimate relationships, in any search, but nothing on the intimacy of abuse. It seems that it has not been recognised or studied, but it is a factor in the difficulty those who have been abused, particularly emotionally, have in leaving a relationship, ending a relationship and keeping safe from future involvement – not being hooked back in some way. It may occur particularly in relationships with sociopaths. We often see it in those relationships others judge and often ask “Why does she keep going back to him?” Any woman who finds the strength to leave often does not have enough strength to stay away, survive alone or survive the next step which may involve extreme measures. Those women who say that they know they will not survive and that their partner will kill them are usually right.They need to be taken very seriously, supported and their safety protected. Not all relationships with sociopaths have such serious or obvious consequences, although surviving a relationship with a sociopath is never simple or easy.
In children the consequences of having a sociopathic parent can be life-threatening or a long-term threat to emotional wellness. The sociopathic parent may use their abilities to charm their children to their advantage and in combination with other traits, will be doubly abusive. They may even be sexually abusive, but in denial and therefore confusing, contradictory and threatening to the child’s identity, emotional safety, security and relationship with the other parent. The charming sociopath is plausible and may fool even, or especially, close relatives who further damage the child by disbelieving claims of sexual abuse.The insidious results will be a life-time of damage and the charming sociopath may continue to charm the child well into adulthood, the inner child longing to be truly loved and cared for and feeling forever bereft, mystified and empty.The intimacy sociopaths are able to mimic, act out or pretend in their relationships to others, particularly children, is manipulative, for their own benefit and can be a powerful tool in their armoury used for damaging others. When accused of being sleazy, inappropriate, even incestuous, they deny, suggest it is being imagined by the accuser or recipient and may laugh it off or act the victim.The intimacy of this type of abuse makes the skin crawl. Survivors often wonder how on earth they were so taken in. Smart, intelligent women beat themselves up for being taken in, deceived and call themselves ‘stupid’ for their choice of partner.Sociopaths are chameleons, they become who they think we need. They are dangerous people for adults to know, even more dangerous for children.
Many children of sociopathic parents know and understand that their parent is someone who, deep down, doesn’t really care about them, may well be someone to avoid, or someone who minimally, will not bother helping them, except en route to personal gain. By the time they reach adulthood, the typical child of an antisocial parent has been deceived, manipulated and used, and has been made to feel invisible, valueless and frightened countless times.
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A sociopath, not really experiencing real true emotions of his own, is capable of mimicking the emotions wants and needs of others. He will mirror you to be your perfect partner.
You will be surprised, at just how much you have in common. You seem to have so many common interests, and also common goals in life. You appear to have a deep connection, which almost feels spiritual. You can feel that you have known each other for years, or even many lifetimes.
If you are dating someone and you appear to have so much in common, that you feel like you almost like one person in two bodies, be aware. It could be a genuine connection, but it also has the risk, that you have met a sociopath who has already assessed you, and is now mirroring back to you, everything you are, everything that you need, and everything that you want him to be


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