How to

truth
defend your freedom of speech against censorship, by which you mean ‘other people disagreeing with you.’ Complain really loudly, at length and in a lot of places, about how you’re totally being censored right now

How to Get a Black Woman Fired – COLORLINES

via How to Get a Black Woman Fired – COLORLINES.

While this quoted post is not about adoption, is is about the serious issues of racism and sexism and the freedom of women to speak about the discrimination they experience and about the differences in the way men and women are treated and treat others.
I was very struck by the above quote and by how familiar it feels in relation to some of the things some of us experience in the world of adoption. As Admin of Facebook groups I have met it time and time again, often from the same person, always used destructively and to undermine and sabotage a group. Always with an axe to grind, even at the National Apology for forced adoption there is never a let up, never respect for the views of others and always threats and predictions about what will be ‘censored’ and why. This person has made it her goal to discredit, slander and make assumptions which are never based on fact and has pursued her goal with such dedication and committment you wonder what would happen if she were to turn that to a worthwhile cause, something that might have a positive outcome for the good of all or even for herself. Who needs enemies with ‘friends’ like that?
I note that our fellow adoptee ‘Muzik’ has made a heart-felt plea on Facebook not to be added to adoptee groups –
Do me a favor adoptees and DO NOT add me to your Facebook group pages. There is a reason I am not a part of them, and that is because many do not know how to conduct themselves respectfully. I mean God forbid someone support adoption, try to educate others instead of yelling and having a pity party, etc. The only way change will be made for adoptees is when everyone does their part in a respectful and intelligent manner. The only way this world, people, or anything will change is when we educate one another not hide from the world and gossip. Lastly, before you decide to threaten someone about anything, know that this woman right here does not engage nor do I entertain in your ignorant foolishness. Some of has have chosen to rise above and do something about what is happening to adoptees instead of talking about it like we are at the playground. Peace
As more and more users leave Facebook, no longer find it useful or interesting, it seems to be increasingly bogged down with groups where members reinforce each others prejudices, punish those who challenge them and not challenge those who lurk, invade, undermine and swamp others with their personal stuff whether appropriate or not, usually not. Perhaps it’s just the groups to do with adoption. I belong to other groups where there is good-will, kindness and co-operation in spades. And how refreshing it is to be in groups where all are valued, all opinions respected and members are treated kindly, not torn apart or dismissed.. I’m still pondering on the Facebook equivalent of a smack round the ear from a mother of loss, who dismissed me out of hand for my views on my era of adoption in my own country, the war years, an era far from the later one in which she was born let alone had a child adopted or could know about from personal experience in any way. There was something so aggressive and cruel in the way in which I was dismissed, my brief era of adoption put down as insignificant and my insistence on accuracy described as an obsession. I sometimes come across comments in groups from that mother-of-loss, although I try to avoid them, and I note the warm and supportive comments, the popular support she elicits and I wonder at the facade, the shallow view that doesn’t take into account that deep well of hurt, ability to wound and necessity to wound. It’s a minefield, one that it is necessary to withdraw from on occasions and to withdraw from some aspects permanently, as they become too punitive, too unrewarding and too toxic.
The world of adoption has been well served by the social media, which has also brought out the worst in some people or allowed those with an axe to grind, agendas to push, free reign for their prejudices, their obsessions and their blinkered views to flourish, to dominate others and to prevent free discourse. We see the desperate, badly served by legislation, exhibiting their particulars and credentials in a display which is somehow so demeaning and would be so unnecessary if legislation was humane, suitable and appropriate for the times and the people affected. They have proliferated. I can’t read any of them and pass over them without looking or reading, but I feel the tragedy, the sadness, the deep sense of loss leaping of the page. So many of them, so hopeful and so abundant! I truly hope they find what they are looking for, that it heals the hurt, mends the broken hearts and builds a better future.
For the deeply damaged who won’t let it go, can’t let it go and who hold on to what is known, rather than risk the leap onto the unknown, where some degree of healing may lie, I see no hope, no chance of change in the self-perpetuating round of insult, affront, outrage, recrimination and punitive action seemingly endless in its revolutions, circling and embroiling, catching and ejecting, leaving in its wake the flotsam and jetsom of damage to others, hurt, insult and outrage. Never forgetting, never forgiving, never missing an opportunity to punish has it’s price and will eventually cost dearly.

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2 thoughts on “How to

  1. I agree wholeheartedly that there does not seem to be a great deal of respect. I am no longer on FB, and after an initial feeling of loss, I don’t miss it, or the tedious conversations or the playground antics you describe. Pointless. Effort is better expended elsewhere, where polite disagreement isn’t seen as “attacking” or “slamming.” Of course we will come to adoption with different ideas and opinions! Please. As you say, the insistence of one point of view, on the one hand, is unsustainable, and the thin skins of some people, on the other hand, is quite another problem.

    People personalize everything: adoption cannot be discussed as apart from *their* own experiences, and therein lies another roadblock. As in your recounting being marginalized by someone, to whom Australia in the 40’s wasn’t important. She wasn’t listening to *you* or thinking about the larger landscape. I see this rudeness all the time. Sad.

    So many narratives, talking over one another, trying to drown out what they cannot bear to hear (or being nasty). Cacophany.

    Muzik is right about there being no moving forward until there is a recognition of this practice. I was talking to someone about us being fractured and divided by self-concern. Until we become a community, no one will listen to us.

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