Adoption For Nothing

This comment from Chad was way too interesting to leave in the comment box and I hope Chad won’t mind sharing it here as well – The agencies, churches, legal communities knew shortly after the closed-adoption system began in the USA (around the end of WWII) that the effects of separating a newborn from his natural mother would have devastating, life-long repercussions on the adopted out child and the natural mother, father and bio siblings. The ADOPTION ESTABLISHMENT, however, continues to coerce, manipulate and criminally separate infants from their natural mothers. Regardless of what has happened to the adoptees (many here have endured extreme emotional/physical abuse and even deaths on the part of the adopters), the INDU$TRY refuses to accept any responsibility for their immoral behavior. They continue to promote ideas that “God has an adoption plan for the baby of the vulnerable, soon-to-be mother” and “God has led the adopters to the baby of their dreams” and, of course, the final zinger used here in the States, “God has reserved a place in heaven for adopters.” It all smacks of charlatanism to the utmost degree.

Charlatanism seems to be the underpinnings of adoption which ever part of it you care to examine. We are often assured that adoption has changed from the ‘bad old days’ and most of us adult adoptees couldn’t agree more!  It has changed for the worse in many respects, with even less honesty, far more manipulation of mothers done in a particularly offensive way which deceives, misleads and warps the truth. For adoptees there is about the same degree of choice there has always been – zilch! Some of us poor bastards can’t even get hold of our records to know who we are either because we are vetoed or the law won’t allow it in other ways because it is protecting privacy! Whose privacy and anonymity we often ask? In Georgia Tann’s time it was often the anonymity of the very upright and upstanding citizens who are the law makers and administrators for whom self-interest has always been the main concern and still is today.Aome of us re being deported becuase our adopters never got round to making us citizens – negligent, careless or an indication of what they think we’re worth?

Here in South Australia our very own Kate Cocks has never had a word said against her and yet she too would have received ‘donations’ towards the upkeep of babies and the running of the Mother and Babies Home – not payment for babies received or anything quite so distasteful, of course!  When human life and money are spoken of in the same breath with an open hand, it is very hard to separate commodification of human life/babies for adoption and necessary action for ensuring that children are not raised in an orphanage or spend damaging time there which could have been prevented. However you look at it, our societies could do better, much better, in preventing unwanted pregnancies, ensuring that those who give birth parent successfully and are not damaged or do damage to children in the process.

The toll of adoption has been enormous. Mothers and families damaged beyond repair; children made adoptees and given the trauma and loss of adoption because they should not have been born; children who suffer institutional life and possible eventual adoption due to substance abuse (up to 80% in America of children in care are abused as a result according to the latest research);the multiplicity of abuses adoptees’ suffer as a direct result of adoption (failure to ‘tell’, inappropriate parenting, lack of adequate parenting, ignorance of adoption issues, refusal to accept the reality of adoption, use of adoptees for purposes such as salvation, infertility relief, and the satisfaction of personal goals which are nothing to do with actual real live children etc, etc).

When we come to transnational adoption, we find a host of other difficulties which have far-reaching effects on adoptees – the judgement that the mother country is inadequate and that the receiving country is superior, the expectations that a new language, culture, religion, education system, customs, habits, food, etiquette, body language and the subtle signs of  how life is lived ‘normally’ will replace what the child knows and the cultural transplant will occur smoothly, without damage or at any rate occur. The loss to children of everything they are and everything they know is so huge, so damaging for many, that we wonder how they survive it, how deep depression does not claim them, deep unresolvable grief and a loss of sanity are not always the result. It seems children and particularly adoptees are resilient. That is no excuse or reason to inflict on them the things that are done in the name of adoption.

There are other solutions, some of them long-term,  which do not require children to become misplaced persons, lost in limboland forever. Why haven’t we made a serious start on dismantling the adoption industry, looking at its connections with poverty and what causes poverty, educating people about differing abilities, ensuring young women become confident capable mothers, enabling families to support their next generation together in unison instead encouraging shaming, judgement and rejection? I hear there is change in attitudes amongst some religious believers but its not happening fast enough, soon enough, well enough to save the next generation of adoptees from adoption and all it’s ills and the curse it inflicts on so many.

Unlike the question; the answer is simple and short. Because those involved don’t want to and don’t see the need to. Most fail to see or understand the damage of adoption or don’t want to, because they have another agenda. Babies and children are commodities – ‘little morsels of deliciousness’, bundles of joy, blank slates, the way to salvation, starving orphans, gifts, every family deserves one, not beautiful until loved, tax deductable, our right, mine.  Adoption for nothing? Never. The cost is beyond calculating for adoptees.

If you’re interested in solutions, rather than the same old, this might be a book of interest. I haven’t read it but it looks well worth trying.

7 thoughts on “Adoption For Nothing

  1. Glad you have shared some of my feeble attempts at insight into the world of adoption. The more I discover, seemingly each day, the more I realize how truly bizarre the entire system is. One of the most disheartening things I have uncovered is the way many female adopters feel a sense of genuine ENTITLEMENT to another mother’s newborn, and how those women feel/believe that adoption will somehow fill a void in their own lives. In my own personal experience, the female adopter seemed unable to develop real and genuine relationships with other adults (her husband divorced her shortly after the adoption), so she became and has continued to be inappropriately close and extremely dependent emotionally on the now-grown man she adopted at birth. I wonder if your other readers have noticied similar almost pathological tendencies among other adoptive parents, especially when the infertility of one parent is irrefutable? The male adopter in this personal case went on to father his “own” biological sons…

  2. I remember my first phone call with my son (I am his original mother) and he wanted to “thank me”. That was the first chink in my adoption myth. My baby is 41 years old this year and I still can’t understand how my parents allowed this defenceless mite to be taken from our family and given to strangers. The whole concept of adoption.

    • Hopefully Elaine he is a defenceless mite no longer and a grown capable man, like many of us adoptees trying to make the best of the hand life dealt us with it’s trauma, pain and loss.As someone said to me today adoptees are the faceless heroes, the invisible survivors. I hope you too have been able to deal with your losses and trauma, perhaps less ambiguous than it was!

      • I have met him, so I know that he grew up to be a wonderful man with a beautiful family of his own. Reunion wakes up a lot of stuff that was buried and not dealt with and boy, do things ever look different when you are 52 vs 16. The cruelty of adoption for mother and baby is unbelievable; words escape me to describe it. The consequences last a lifetime. I never forgot and I never went on “to have children of my own”. I can only hope that there is some sort of karmic retribution for all the liars who spewed this shite at us.

        • Perhaps, like so many adoptees of the BSE, your son thanked you for the “gift of life.” Nearly all adoptees in the USA were told that the natural mothers’ choice was between aborting him or giving him up for adoption. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that the choice for the young pregnant mothers who continued to carry their babies to term was between keeping their newborns or surrendering them for adoption. Abortion at that point in their pregnancies played no role in the decision-making process. The young mothers wanted their pregnancies, but the RCC, legal systems, governments, religious-run maternity homes and others coerced the women (and their own parents) into surrendering the newborn or simply stole the babies outright. I would be curious; did your son say he was thankful for not aborting him or for surrendering him for adoption by strangers? Let me know sometime, because this is yet again another myth promoted by the multi-billion dollar a year adoption indu$try.The RCC and the US Conference of Catholic Bishops uses this same argument to keep sealed adoption records, and to NEVER open or issue OBCs. They like to spread the fear that women will have more abortions, if adoptions and adoption records are opened. More lies by the Supreme Sellers of Babies in the States…

        • So very true Elaine, words fail us all sometimes at the cruelty and abuse of adoption.Here in Australia at the handing down of the report from the Inquiry into forced adoption the Chair was moved to tears,described what happened as inhumane.That statement stands for all wherever we are.Thanks for being here, come back soon.

  3. Hi Chad, he thanked me for surrendering him. Thankfully, he had been told from a very young age that he was adopted. His parents told him the adoption myth – I loved him very much, wanted him to have a better life-and he wanted to thank me. His parents also thanked me for him when I met them. Abortion was not an option in Alberta in 1971. (Although when I finally went to the doctor at 6 months pregnant he told me I should have come to see him sooner…?) I was very relieved and happy that my son had had a good life but there’s something about being thanked by your child for giving them away; it destroys part of you.

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